I Once Handed My Happiness to You

Hearing my answer, the two of them, father and son, threw their arms around me at once. Sylvia's voice choked up again. "Egbert, thank you..." "Thank you for forgiving me, and thank you for being willing to be Eustace's father." Eustace was still little; all he could do was burrow into my arms and echo his mother's thanks. I caught the scent on them, and for a moment I felt dazed. After all these years, they still smelled of pine. It used to be my favorite scent. I even used to buy laundry detergent in that scent to wash their clothes. Eustace always used to cling to my leg while I hung the laundry, whining sweetly: "Daddy smells so good! Really good!" And Sylvia always used to say to me: "Every time I smell the pine on you, it makes me feel so safe." It was the scent that belonged to just the three of us. Now, though, they carried that same scent as they held another man's body. An aversion and revulsion I couldn't put into words rose up in me. I pushed them away and held my breath. "What's that smell on the two of you? It's overpowering." Sylvia sniffed her own sleeve, then went rigid all over. Eustace explained for her. "This is the smell of pine. Mom said it's what Daddy used to like..." Before he could finish, Sylvia clapped a hand over his mouth. "It's just ordinary laundry detergent. If you don't like it, we'll switch to another kind tomorrow." Sylvia explained it to me, careful and hesitant. The next day, the scent on them had changed. It was the fruity smell I used to hate most. And of all things, Eustace kept clinging to me, asking whether I liked it. Looking at his tender little smile. All I could do was nod against what I felt, and once again talk myself into letting go of the past. I am not Hudson now. I have to do my best to play Egbert Simmons, until the day he comes back. Come quietly, leave quietly. That way, I can still go on fooling myself. At least in my memories, the three of us are still as good as we ever were. For Sylvia and Eustace as they are now. "Egbert Simmons's" feelings are what matter most. Because she thought "Egbert Simmons" didn't like it. So Sylvia took the wedding ring off her hand on her own, leaving a pale band of white where it had been. Because they thought Egbert Simmons didn't want to see anything connected to Hudson. So Eustace put away the protective pendant I had made for him with my own hands, the one around his neck, and never wore it again. Little by little, the two of them erased every trace of me from themselves. And all I could do was watch it happen. As my discharge from the hospital drew near, my stomach acted up, and I lay in bed feeling so wretched I threw up. Eustace ran into my arms and hugged me, rubbing my belly with his warm little body. Sylvia took time off from work on purpose and came home to make me a bowl of porridge. Everything was just like before. But I knew they still hadn't recognized me. Sylvia lifted the lotus-seed porridge to my lips. "Drink it while it's hot. The pain will stop once you do." It was sweet, fragrant, hot porridge, and yet the smell of it stung my eyes. I turned my face away. "I don't want it." Sylvia's hand around the spoon froze, her voice tense. "Isn't this your favorite? Why don't you want it all of a sudden?" "Is your stomach still bothering you?" And with that, she turned to go call the doctor. Only to be cut off by my words. "Sylvia, I'm allergic to lotus seeds. I never drink anything like this." "That person in your mouth—who is he?"

My dead heart was rekindled. God knows how much I wanted Sylvia to discover the truth. I wanted to find, in the faintest of clues, proof that she still loved me. But after her lips trembled for a long time, she still didn't say a word. I'm not allergic to lotus seeds. But in my memory, Egbert was allergic to them, and he'd told Sylvia so many times. Now she'd forgotten it. Did that mean she still held me in her heart? Eustace glanced left and right beside her, tugged at Sylvia's sleeve, and whispered a little reminder. "Mommy, it's Daddy who likes lotus seeds." My eyes went hot, and I bit down hard on my lip and turned my face away. I couldn't name the feeling in my heart. Sylvia set down the bowl in her hand, held me, and kept apologizing. "I'm sorry, Egbert... I forgot." "Hudson really did used to like this. Whenever his stomach hurt and he had the porridge I made, he'd be happy for a long time." "I just haven't gotten used to it yet. I'm really sorry." "Give me a little more time, and I promise I'll remember what you like, and forget Hudson completely. All right?" I bit my lip until it bled, letting the blood run down into my heart. So be it... Stop holding out any hope for Sylvia. Stop torturing yourself. I leaned on her shoulder and nodded gently. "Just don't let it happen again." Eustace nuzzled over too and said in his soft little voice, "From now on I'll keep an eye on Mommy and remember everything about Daddy." Mother and son were true to their word. They never got the things "Egbert" liked wrong again. After I was discharged, Sylvia brought me home. In the years after my death, I'd stayed by their side the whole time. I also knew Sylvia couldn't bear to throw away the things I'd left behind, so she kept the house exactly as it had been and wouldn't let anyone disturb it. Once, Egbert had the nerve to come over as a guest, and after he threw out the Lego set I'd half-built for Eustace, Sylvia threw an enormous fit. Afterward, not caring how she looked, she dug through the trash can herself to find the Lego pieces, and together with Eustace put them back together one by one and set them back in their place. But now... I looked around the living room. The Lego set that had sat on the entryway cabinet was gone. The vase I'd bought was missing from the coffee table too. And the family portrait of the three of us that should have been hanging on the living room wall had been taken down. Only a few nails remained, marking where something had once hung. Every trace of me had been completely erased by Sylvia. My heart felt hollow and aching. I said, without meaning to, "This home... is missing a lot of things." Sylvia came around and held me from behind, and said softly. "That's right." "This home is missing a man of the house." "Egbert, will you marry me?" As she spoke, a diamond ring came into view. Even though I'd long known this day would come, I still couldn't stop trembling inside. Should I say yes to her? If the real Egbert were here, he'd surely say yes, wouldn't he? While my thoughts were in chaos. Sylvia stepped up in front of me, holding up the ring. "Egbert, I'm serious." The next second, a crowd of people rushed out of the room, set off a burst of confetti at us with a bang, and cheered at the top of their voices. "Say yes! Say yes!" For a moment, I thought I'd gone back to long ago, to when Sylvia proposed to me. Back then, so many people had wished Sylvia and me a long and lasting life together. And Sylvia, just like now, had declared her love in front of everyone. She thanked Egbert for lighting up her world, thanked Egbert for pulling her out of the abyss. And she thanked Egbert for saving her and her child. "Hudson was the love of the first half of my life, and Egbert, you are the salvation of my whole life." "Let's get married." The fire of light off the ring stung my eyes. I knew Egbert would say yes. I ought to choose to accept too. But right then, I couldn't get out a single word. I ask you—what man could hand his own wife over to someone else? I couldn't do it. Seeing that I still hadn't moved, Sylvia's parents came closer, their eyes red, and said gingerly: "Egbert, we know—any man would mind that Sylvia has been married before." "But after that man passed away, Sylvia was despondent for a long time, until she met you and got a little life back in her." "As parents, our greatest hope is for our child to be happy. We hope Sylvia can move on from the past and live a good life." "Egbert, will you agree to our request?"

Looking at my former in-laws, I felt an inexplicable tightness in my chest. Even they accepted Egbert Simmons as though it were only natural. Sylvia's friends came over too, telling me not to hold her past against her. "Sylvia's a devoted soul. Once she sets her heart on someone, she loves them forever. You don't have to worry about her ever changing her mind." I stood there in a daze and pulled at the corner of my mouth. Love forever? Never change her mind? Then why did she stop loving me? My fingertips already ached, cold as ice. I knew I had to make a decision. I reached out my hand to Sylvia and, with all my strength, said: "All right. I'm willing." Her eyes lit up. She grabbed my hand at once and slid the ring onto my finger. My ring finger felt heavy. But somewhere inside me felt hollow, as if there were nothing there at all. The people around us clapped, eyes red, wishing us well. Eustace ran circles around us, overjoyed. "Yay! Mom and Dad are together again! I have a dad again!" Sylvia hugged me too, so moved she was crying and laughing at once. "Once you've fully recovered, we'll hold our wedding together." "I promise, I'll give you a wedding you'll never forget..." Like a puppet under someone's control, I stiffly pulled at the corner of my mouth. "Sure..." Before I could finish. Two people came storming in from outside, shouting at Sylvia. "What wedding! We won't allow it!" Startled, I snapped back and looked at them. Dad... Mom? Eustace ran over, hugged them, and cried out happily. "Grandma! Grandpa! I'm going to have a dad again!" Hearing that, Mom and Dad's faces darkened enough to drip ink. "What do you mean, a dad!" "In this whole world, your only father is Hudson!" With that, Dad walked over and slapped Sylvia across the face. "Back then you insisted on bringing Hudson along on that mountain hike, and there was a car accident on the way—it was Hudson who protected you with his life!" "He was our only son! Not even thirty! And he died for you!" "What did you promise us at the funeral?" "You said you'd stay faithful to Hudson for the rest of your life and raise Eustace well!" "My son has been dead barely any time at all, and already you want to find another man, a second marriage?" "Then what about my son? What does he count for!" "How is his spirit in heaven supposed to feel!" "I'll say it plainly here and now: if you want to remarry and find Eustace a stepfather, not a chance!" I looked at my parents' aged, wrinkled faces and their graying hair. My heart ached beyond bearing. In this whole world, maybe only my parents still cared about how I felt. Sylvia kept her head down and said nothing—probably remembering the car accident that had killed me too, her face full of guilt and helplessness. Her mom and my mom started arguing outright. "My daughter is in the prime of her life, and she stayed faithful to your son all this time. Why shouldn't she remarry?" "And Eustace needs a father right now—what's wrong with her marrying again! Can't you see he wants a new dad too?!" "Are you set on hounding my daughter and grandson to death, both of them?!" My mom was so furious her face went ashen, her trembling finger pointing at her. The next second, she shut her eyes and collapsed. My heart lurched. I rushed forward and caught her, the word bursting out of me: "Mom!" In all the chaos, no one noticed anything strange about me. No one except Sylvia, whose pupils shook violently as she stared at me in disbelief.